Responsibility Counseling
1. The Growing Demand for Counseling
2. Confusion from Integration of Secular and Christian Thinking
3. Fundamental Principles of Biblical Counseling
4. Favorable Qualities for Biblical Counselors
5. Diverse Situations Encountered in Counseling
6. Self-Love or Self-Sacrifice
7. The Exchanged Life
8. Recognizing Root Causes and Symptoms
9. Encouraging Change Through Counseling
10. The Importance of Repentance
11. Ministering to the Unhappily Married
12. Pre-Marital Counseling
13. Other Counseling Problems
The Growing Demand For Counseling
Since the fall of man, when sin entered into the world, growing numbers of human beings have been beset by fears, conflicts and unresolved problems. Although believers have not been rendered immune by the Lord from these ills, they seem greater in those who are unreconciled to God. The many causes, which certainly include sin, are not some recent development of a complex society or strife-torn world. In Ecclesiastes 1:9 we are assured that: “There is nothing new under the sun.”
In attempting to deal with these problems, men have invented an impressive array of diagnostic terms, or psychological labels, with multiple therapies to deal with each of them. Some of these therapies may seem to have a changing effect, but many are more harmful instead of helping. Only a very few kinds of therapies are accepted today as helpful even by psychotherapy researchers but they are not with total agreement. Patients’ reports about positive changes after such treatments often prove to be superficial. Some must be judged as totally wrong according to Scripture. Ungodly ways, may lead people away from the truth which alone is to be found in Christ Jesus. An unbiblical, humanistic life view is the basis of all recent therapy. The truth about men which God has revealed to us in the Scriptures doesn’t play a role in these therapies.
It is obvious that when any counselor, secular or Bible oriented, exhibits sincere concern, understanding, warmth and a listening ear, they are much more effective. They create trust, they encourage. On this basis, even a friend can provide such help as well as a professional. Some professional therapies may seem to succeed on this basis alone.
God’s people were told long ago that, “Man’s steps are ordained by the Lord. How then can man understand his way?” (Proverbs 20:24) The Psalmist asked, “Who can understand his errors?” (Psalm 19:12). These and other like verses seem to indicate that troubled people require clear spiritual guidance to be helped in a fundamental way. We certainly need a higher wisdom to guide us in thinking and acting correctly. The Lord is that Wisdom. He is the Wonderful Counselor we all need (Isaiah 9:6). The Lord is the One “in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge” (Colossians 2:3). He is the truth (John 14:7), and truth about ourselves is what we need to understand.
The majority of counselees have a spiritual problem in some way, even if it is only one of attitude toward difficulties. The starting point of discussion ought to be the counselee’s relationship with God rather than his relationship with others, especially in the earlier years of life. Most counselees claim to have some kind of relationship with God, however remote it might be. If this is not true, they need to be regenerated. It is an essential part of the solution. Otherwise, they may need to examine the quality of their walk with God and the degree to which this corresponds to their profession of faith in Christ. This is the work of a spiritual counselor, grounded in the Word, not a secular type of advisor. So-called emotional problems may be spiritual problems under another name.
What about chemical changes in the body, or other physiological problems in troubled people? It may be that some people need to see a medical doctor for a thorough examination. There are various factors such as cancers, hormonal imbalances, deficiencies of various kinds, even simple exhaustion, which can effect the mind and soul of man. Medications can and do help some people. We would not deny this in any way. But counselors are not in the business of practicing medicine where such is needed. Even doctors have begun to recognize the value of prayer and spiritual comfort in such places as hospices for the terminally ill. As believers, we should be utilizing prayer as the major weapon in our spiritual warfare, whether the doctors believe in it or not. It is an accepted proverb in many quarters that doctors may treat but only God heals.
Because God is invisible, or because of our lack of faith, the Lord does not seem to be quite sufficient for most people. We desire to have intermediaries, human counselors or helpers, to show us the way. So we seek a multitude of counselors (Proverbs 11:14; 15:22; 24:6), not all of them either wise or godly. God is prepared to grant His guidance to those who fully trust Him and who are ready to accept His counsel. The person most easily helped is the one who is genuinely willing to listen and to act upon good counsel. God’s counsel is most often given through those who are in touch with Him and act as His channels. He could, of course, speak as a voice from heaven, or in a dream or a vision. Yet it appears that God uses people for this mission, especially those who rely upon His Word. Counsel from God is according to His Word, and never contrary to it.
The local church has been swamped by a growing number of individuals seeking some kind of counseling. The numbers are so great that no one person, or even two, could attend successfully to so many. They can overwhelm a gifted teacher or sympathetic elder and thus consume all of his time. Many churches have resorted to referring people to outside professionals and “licensed counselors” who usually charge a substantial fee. Is this method the only alternative for God’s troubled people? Is it His revealed will to bypass those within the church who ought to be able to help? Are there none wise enough or competent enough among us to render this assistance to Christ’s sheep (1 Corinthians 6:3-5; Romans 15:14)?
It would seem that the local church ought to have the primary role in this ministry of counseling, just as would be the case if the believer was suffering from a temporal need, such as food or housing. Some of the believers in the church ought to be set apart to participate in this ministry. Every believer can help to some degree, but not all have the necessary gifts to do the job well. We will deal later with some desirable qualifications. Some people may rush in too quickly to give ready advice which is not really of God. Others, who might be more helpful, are hesitant because they feel inadequate or because they have not had special training. Most counseling or advising is done by non-professionals such as relatives, friends, acquaintances or peers. This advice may be helpful or not. It may be divinely inspired or misguided. This volume is written with the hope that it will help ordinary spiritual believers in the church to think through some principles that may be of practical assistance. We offer some workable, simple ideas that are within the boundaries of Holy Scripture.
We must not rely upon merely human techniques as major keys for successful counseling. What is needed is the transformation of human lives, beginning in the inner life. This is particularly the work of the Holy Spirit in a yielded vessel. The prophet wrote, “Not by might, nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord” (Zechariah 4:6). The Lord Jesus said, “Without Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).
The key principle of this book is that of responsibility. By this we mean that we insist that each individual must assume personal responsibility for his or her own actions, attitudes, decisions, and responses. We should stop blaming others, past or present, for things we are not happy about. We should stop thinking of ourselves as victims. Blame-shifting and making scapegoats out of other people or of societal forces usually leads to bitterness, hopelessness and helplessness. The beginning of this fruitless practice is first seen in the garden of Eden (Genesis 3:9-13). It is notable that God paid no attention to their efforts to blame one another. By taking need action ourselves we can improve most situations. By changing our attitudes, forgiving others, accepting graciously what is painful, being broken in self-will before God, we can make progress.
Profound life changes must start from the inside first, the inner being of man. In the Bible this is called, in figurative language, “the heart of man.” The prophet Jeremiah writes, “The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9). The tendency to deceive ourselves, and to deceive others, is a hindrance to successfully solving life’s problems. Honesty is essential, with God, with others, and with the counselor. Spiritual discernment by the counselor is important in listening and questioning those seeking help. This is what takes us to the core of matters, beyond the superficial and the obvious. Inner change ultimately requires both sincere openness by the counselee and the supernatural help of God. Such counseling calls for prayer. The actions of all must be anchored in genuine faith which perseveres. This is not formal, ritualistic requests to God.
The godly counselor must deal sensitively with those seeking help. Like the ministry of the Holy Spirit, working within God’s people, you and I must see ourselves as the ones alongside, the helpers (John 14:26). We need to be filled with the Holy Spirit to do this (Ephesians 5:18). When we listen perceptively and carefully we can see what others might miss. When we use the Word of God at appropriate times, we are using a powerful tool of spiritual challenge (Hebrews 4:12). When we are motivated both by the love of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:14), and a love for others, rather than personal gain, it is manifestly apparent to others. It strengthens their confidence and their willingness to respond. It is in particular the one who is spiritual who can best restore others (Galatians 6:1).
Long ago the Lord Jesus challenged Simon Peter as to whether he truly loved Him (John 21:15-17). He said that he did, although his word for love was a weaker one than what Jesus had used. The Lord then commanded him three times to demonstrate this by taking care of His sheep. Taking care of people in a spiritual way is an essential ministry of the body of believers. The purpose of this book is to help believers meet this responsibility in the best possible way.
RC Questions Lesson 1
The Growing Demand For Counseling
1. 1. Why do you think so many people today, as compared to previous periods of history, are seeking counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and help from “support groups”?
2. 2. There is a strong tendency today to explain behavioral problems in people in terms like “chemical imbalances”, or attribute them to past negative experiences going all the way back to the womb. Do you feel that in the majority of cases, these factors are the major cause of so-called “psychological problems”? Explain your answer.
3. 3. If local church leaders or spiritually mature people in their assemblies are to be of greater help to troubled people, what do you think needs to be done?
4. 4. Why is it necessary to make the acceptance of personal responsibility a keystone of the counseling process? If not, what then is necessary?
Confusion From Integration Of Secular And Christian Thinking
Titles like “Christian Counseling” and “Biblical Counseling” are commonly used today in the church. But what is the definition of these terms? Usually, it means that the counselors profess to be Christians and seek to counsel from this perspective. What many of these people do however, is to integrate or merge the principles of secular psychology and the Bible. Reliance is placed mostly on the secular. They are running more on the worldly track of thinking, rather than inductively developing their approach strictly from Biblical principles. Since they write and speak as Christians, backed by their secular degrees and experience, their views are accepted as authoritative by many within the church.
The attempted integration of the secular and the Biblical ways is quite amazing, considering who strongly influenced the secular way. One of the main areas of psychotherapy is psychoanalysis whose founding father is Sigmund Freud. He dismissed religious doctrine as an illusion, and compared religion to a narcotic, which was swallowed only by neurotic people. Gary Collins, a Christian counseling teacher from Trinity Seminary, says, “To put it mildly, psychology and Christianity have never been very good friends.” The most influential teachers, whose methods and “insights” guide the thinking of current Christian counseling leaders today, are Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow. These two men are considered to be the founders of the humanistic psychology movement. The former is an apostate from Christianity who was involved in the occult. The latter was a defector from Judaism. Yet today, anyone who criticizes current trends and influences, which come from these sources, is considered to be a troublemaker and a backward thinker. Psychology, in it’s massive invasion of the church’s thinking, has become something of a sacred cow, held high by many and immune to criticism. Most impressive objections to secular psychology, and its parent, psychiatry, comes from its own ranks of professionals, not from the Christian community.
Bernie Zilbergeld, a professionally trained psychologist, is brutally frank in his assessment of the profession of which he is a member. He asks, “…whether or not professionals produce better results than those without special training. The answer, hard as it may be to accept, is that they don’t.”1 He adds, “The evidence simply will not support either the idea of therapeutic uniqueness or professional supremacy.”2 He quotes psychologist Joseph Durlak, “Professionals do not necessarily possess demonstrably superior clinical skills, in terms of measurable outcome, when compared with para-professionals.”3 Zilbergeld marvels that those who have spent so much time and money on “therapy” are unwilling to admit to the lack of results. They seem to go from specialist to specialist, program to program, counselor to counselor, without questioning the ineffectiveness of the advice and counsel already given. The only benefit is that the patients seem to feel better at the time, especially when someone listens sympathetically.
Of course, it is true, as Zilbergeld states, that some people may need medications. But these can only be prescribed by medical doctors, not by psychologists or counselors. We have already stated that, when needed, you can refer people to doctors for physical examinations. The medication called lithium is helpful to many people who have been diagnosed as “manic depressives.” Others may need prescriptions to calm hysteria or excessive agitation. Some may be helped by what are called anti-depressant drugs. Yet it should be remembered that these drugs only help to treat or manage the symptoms. Wise doctors prefer the word treat to the word cure. These medicines are not cures. It is the work of counseling to deal with underlying attitudes of the mind. In this area, it has been estimated that there are as many as 250 different approaches or methods of psychological or psychotherapeutic treatment. None of them unquestionably stands above all others or has universal acknowledgment. Extravagant claims are made for the success of this or that method by those who espouse them. However, the difficulty is in proving that clear, measurable results can be duplicated by others using the same method.
One of the problems in this field is the use of the term mental illness to describe what is wrong. In this way, mental or emotional problems are considered to be in the same category as influenza or other diseases of the body. This is called the medical model. Finding the cause of these mental problems by laboratory tests has proven to be quite difficult, despite strenuous efforts. It was the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Thomas Szasz, of the State University of New York, who was the first outspoken professional to say that “mental illness” was a myth, without true scientific foundation. He linked the traditional ideas of psychiatry with things such as astrology and called it “pseudo-science.”4 He said, “Mental illness might have been a useful concept in the nineteenth century. Today it is scientifically worthless and socially harmful.”5 There are a number of doctors with advanced degrees in this field who agree. Certainly there are others who would not agree. A medical doctor is fine for someone with a genuine medical problem having a physiological basis. With that statement few would disagree. There have been strong efforts by proponents of the psychological field to try to intimidate pastors and other believers from attempting to function in this field, saying that they could do great harm. This leaves the impression that professional counselors can do no harm.
The abandonment of what might be called the Moral Model in counseling (right vs. wrong) for the Medical Model (misconduct is sickness) is a complete turnabout in thinking about behavior over the past hundred plus years. This is strikingly true in the church. It was a non-Christian psychologist, Dr. Hobart Mowrer, of the University of Illinois, who asked, “Has evangelical religion sold its birthright for a mess of psychological pottage?”6 In Mowrer’s treatment of mental patients he insisted on their taking personal responsibility for their actions, not blaming others. It was the renowned psychiatrist Karl Menninger, head of the famous clinic in Topeka, Kansas, who wrote a book called, Whatever Happened to Sin? He challenged the church’s contemporary failure to confront sinful behavior and their willingness to accept excuses.
It is just this tendency to accept questionable excuses for misconduct that seems to be a feature of counseling with a secular orientation. Beginning with Freud, there was a relentless pursuit for alleged causative factors, going all the way back to a person’s birth. The counselee was viewed as a victim of these factors, but not personally responsible. Religious or moral standards were considered harmful because they were the cause of guilt, a major culprit. If you get rid of these standards, then you get rid of the guilt, according to this thinking. More recently, the idea of addiction was expanded from things like heroin or cocaine to food, sex and other areas of abuse. If one is addicted, so the theory goes, then there is no blame to be assigned. That would cause guilt. This idea conveniently ignores how people get started on these “addictions”, as a matter of free choice, despite all the warnings and dangers. There has been an intensive search for genetic differences or chemical imbalances to further weaken the idea of personal responsibility. Then the sociologists blend in such things as racism, poverty, and poor environment. There is very little attention paid to the many people who overcame these negative factors to develop constructive lives as a result of their own choices. In addition, the secular thinkers have no place in their schemes for such things as the power of the Holy Spirit in regenerated and yielded lives to achieve dramatic transformations. The latter is often seen among prison inmates, drug addicts, and other types of people notably resistant to efforts by psychologists, social workers and others working in rehabilitation. Their failures have brought the reluctant admission that there is no such thing as rehabilitation in prisons by their methods. God, through His Word and through human instruments, can achieve what the secular systems cannot do.
It was precisely these deficiencies that brought a thoughtful and honest psychiatrist, William Glasser, to see that, “something is seriously amiss with contemporary psychiatry and clinical psychology.”7 In Glasser’s book he not only indicated a total break with conventional psychological wisdom, he provided statistical, proven evidence to demonstrate the failure of traditional psychotherapeutic methods. Glasser indicated in chapter two of his book that there are six postulates or presuppositions in the standard approach practiced throughout North America by both psychologists and psychiatrists. Glasser found that the approach was a failure in treatment effectiveness. The standard presuppositions are:
1. Mental illness is real.
2. There must be exploring and reconstruction of the past.
3. Transference is used as a therapeutic tool; this means that the patient is allowed to transfer in his mind attitudes about people in his past to those in his present, such as the psychiatrist.
4. The unconscious mind must be plumbed to gain understanding.
5. Psychiatry scrupulously avoids the problem of immorality. Deviant behavior is considered to be the product of mental illness and the patient should not hold morally responsible because he is helpless to do anything about it.
6. Teaching people to behave better is not considered an important part of therapy. “The patients will behave better once they understand both the historical and unconscious sources of their problems.”
Glasser’s treatment stressed reality (your present situation, not your past experiences), responsibility (for your own decisions), and right vs. wrong (not situation ethics). These ideas were completely opposed to the standard thinking among Glasser’s colleagues. This section is in no way intended to endorse his book as a Christian form of counseling, but to point out significant criticisms made by a recognized psychologist. Many will object to these characterizations, of course.
Those who are called Christian counselors still use at least in part, the foundations of the secular system (largely Freudian). They sometimes admit to problems in this system. Larry Crabb, one of the most popular writers and teachers of the Christian psychology movement, admitted this in his book, Effective Biblical Counseling. He said, “Psychology grows out of a set of presuppositions which are violently antagonistic to Scripture.”8 However, he thinks you can take the best of psychology’s “truth” and blend it with Scripture in some integrated form. He calls his approach, “spoiling the Egyptians”9 This is an example of Crabb’s very questionable exegesis of the Bible when attempting to integrate Scripture and secular psychology. He thinks that psychology has some useful insights, “…though often based on wrong assumptions.”10 Thus the Egyptians (referring to the account in Exodus 3:21, 22) become the psychologists. The Israelites who borrow from them are the Christians. The gold which is borrowed from the Egyptians comes from the insights of the psychologists. Of course, none of this is even remotely true or faithful to the Bible. Crabb’s use of Scripture to justify connections between psychology and the Bible are so bizarre that they would strain even the imagination of most Bible commentators. He suggests that Galatians 2:11-13 shows the need to be who you are (Rogers), Genesis 1:17-19, 28 shows that we are subject to environmental influences (Skinner). The only thing that we can say is that Crabb’s Biblical Counseling is far from Biblical.
We do not have the space to define and explain the many terms now being used by so-called Christian counselors and pastors who preach psychological themes in their sermons. Almost every one of them originates from the secular world and not from Scripture. Chief among these themes is self-esteem, which is another term for self-love. All kinds of ills are laid at the door of the supposed lack of this virtue. It is also called the lack of self-acceptance. If self-love is a healthy virtue, it is difficult to understand why it is listed among the evil practices of men in the latter days (2 Timothy 3:2). In Scripture, Christians are taught to love God and to love others, but never to love self. Jesus taught many times that we are to deny self. The model of self-sacrifice and others directed ministry is the Savior Himself. Self-actualization or self-fulfillment, NOT self-denial, is the secular theme. The plea for unconditional love and acceptance is a theme of humanistic psychology. Yet the idea is now attributed to God in the sense of accepting misbehavior without reproach. God’s love for the sinner does not imply any approval of wrong behavior or actions. He calls for them to repent. This call is usually shunned by these preachers. If there is any mention of repentance by some, it is redefined.
Christian psychology or if you prefer, psychotherapy, now freely employs such techniques as hypnosis, visualization (creating reality out of imagination), and group therapy (counsel and instruction springing from the group). All of these methods are from the thinking of the world, not from the Lord or His Word. There is nothing Biblical or Christian about any of it.
The church has been seduced into accepting much of secular psychology’s thinking, when combined with selected verses from the Bible, because it gives the appearance of being both scientific and spiritual. If it is truly scientific, then it must be true, they think. The question is, whether it is truly accepted as science by most of the eminent minds within the field itself. In their book, Psychoheresy, Martin and Deidre Bobgan have made the case that psychology and psychotherapy have not been able to meet the requirements for being a genuine science. They tell us that,
“In attempting to evaluate the status of psychology, the American Psychological Association appointed Sigmund Koch to plan and direct study which was subsidized by the National Science Foundation. The study involved eighty eminent scholars in assessing the facts, theories, and methods of psychology. The results of this extensive endeavor were then published in a seven volume series entitled Psychology: A Study of a Science. Koch describes the delusion from which we have been suffering in thinking about psychology as a science: ‘The hope of a psychological science became indistinguishable from the fact of psychological science. The entire subsequent history of psychology can be seen as a ritualistic endeavor to emulate the forms of science in order to sustain the delusion that it already is a science.’”11
The answer to the issue in this study was negative. Psychology is simply not a science, nor does it truly use he scientific method of carefully controlled, objectively monitored, with experimentally repeatable verification of its conclusions. That the conclusions are constantly changing is proof of this. Only among the Christian counseling “professionals”, as they call themselves, is it accorded this standing. A large number of learned academics have confirmed the lack of any valid basis for regarding psychology as scientific. It is mostly a collection of constantly changing opinions, influenced more by culture and opinion than by any scientific facts. It is highly subjective and has acceptance mainly in the United States. However we do not question the sincerity of either the originators or practitioners of these counseling systems.
In summary, we can only observe that, at best, psychology or (psychiatry) even in their “Christian” form, are neither truly Biblical nor effective in terms of lasting changes. It can divert people from essentially Biblical prescriptions and remedies, such as self-discipline, unselfishness, centering on Christ, and considering others before self. At times the secular notions are clearly anti-Biblical and harmful. They tend to perpetuate costly treatment in months of endless sessions which may lead people to feel better and delude themselves into believing they are being truly helped. In the end however, controlled studies have indicated that often they will be no better off, as a whole, than those who received absolutely no treatment at all. Certainly, a more Biblical approach, in the hands of spiritual people, can do better than this.
RC Questions Lesson 2
Confusion From Integration of Secular and Christian Thinking
1. Why should we not accept, without criticism, the views of all those who call themselves “Christian counselors” or “Christian psychologists”? If they are Christians and are trying to help people, can we not trust them?
2. What are the objections to a sincere effort to integrate (merge) principles or insights of secular psychology with those of the Bible to help people? Is not “all truth God’s truth”?
3. What is meant by the term “medical model” in describing what is wrong with people who are said to have psychological problems”? Do you agree or disagree with this model and why?
4. Briefly, what are the observations of the following professionals (non-Christians) about the psychological profession?
a) Zilbergeld
b) Mowrer
c) Menninger
d) Glasser
e) Koch
Fundamental Principles Of Biblical Counseling
The Christian faith is concerned with the transformation of lives by the power of God. At least that is the Biblical picture. The Scriptures do not intimate any dependence upon human wisdom or techniques to achieve this transformation. It follows, therefore, that Biblical counseling should differ from secular-based counseling.
It is surprising, then, to read frank admissions of those who attempt to blend the two systems. They place a greater reliance on the secular than the spiritual but they see little difference between them. The Christian Association for Psychological Studies (CAPS) is a group of psychologists and psychological counselors who are professing Christians. In June of 1976, these members met in Santa Barbara, California and this statement was made: “At the present time there is no acceptable Christian psychology that is markedly different from non-Christian psychology. There is not an acceptable theory, mode of research or treatment methodology that is distinctly Christian.” Seward Hiltner of Princeton University uses the phrase “pastoral counseling” for Christian counseling on the premise that most counseling in the church is done by the professional staff. In his book, The Counselor in Counseling, he affirms the same belief set forth by CAPS. “In terms of basic attitude, approach and methods, pastoral counseling does not differ from effective counseling by other types of counselors.” He suggests that only in terms of the setting in which it is done (the church), the religious resources which are drawn upon (whatever that may mean), and the “dimension at which the pastor must view all human growth and human problems” (another somewhat murky phrase) “is there a mild difference.” Essentially, he believes there is no basic difference. Both of these statements are much more honest than those made by advocates of integration of the two systems who want to convince us that there is a major difference.
It may be true that no major work systematically sets forth clear and fundamental principles in which Biblical counseling does differ from secular-based counseling, or at least ought to do so. What would these principles be? We suggest that they should include the following considerations:
1. The Word of God is foundational – This basis must be set forth in a forthright and unequivocal way. The Bible is authoritative in the sense that believers cannot appeal to any other authority in the same way. Nothing can be admitted by Biblical counselors that contradicts or minimizes any statement or principle of Holy Scripture. Certainly this contradiction cannot be allowed from unregenerate and even anti-Christian sources, including secular academics, however learned, or humanistic psychologists.
2. God requires acceptance of personal responsibility for our actions, words and attitudes. Therefore, we will take the same stand in counseling. We cannot accept blame-shifting or excuses for misbehavior, bad attitudes and wrong choices, no matter how plausible they may seem. It has been wisely observed that reasons differ from excuses. A reason provides a logical explanation as to why something occurred. An excuse, in contrast, attempts to justify an action and releases a person from responsibility. The two are often confused. Moreover, a reason given may in reality be an excuse stuffed with a lie. The difference should be detected by the wise counselor. Theories as to the cause of psychological problems abound. These include (1) social and economic oppression by those in power, as voiced by Marxists, sociologists, psychologists, social workers and others; (2) environmental influences (parents, deprivation, racism, etc.); (3) medical (chemical changes in the body causing “mental illness”); (4) social (lack of healthy relationship with others); (5) personal attitudes (low self-esteem); (6) educational (lack of schooling or job training). This list can be expanded almost without end. It can include such things as “lack of a healthy birth experience”, blocked emotions from the past, negative thinking, excessively high moral standards producing guilt and a need to plumb the depths of their “unconscious” world. All such theories seek to release counselees from any sense of personal responsibility for their conduct. They ignore the significant numbers of persons who, despite many disadvantages of the type suggested above, press ahead in life and overcome obstacles through self-discipline and right choices. Overcomers refuse to take the place of “victims.” This is particularly true of those who became regenerated believers, energized by God’s power. A number of them become outstanding examples of those who overcome drug addiction, long standing criminal behavior, imprisonment and broken families. These are areas of the significant superiority of spiritual over secular approaches, despite the entrenched power of the latter in terms of professional control, paid staff and bureaucratic supervision. As to hard core drug addicts and repeated criminals, the professionals are almost total failures.
3. Biblical counseling relies upon God to transform people from within. This means those people who are willing to surrender His will. This requires faith in what God says in His Word, not just faith in faith as some abstract principle, or faith in yourself. It is the Holy Spirit, not man, or human technique, or “mind power”, that effects spiritual change within. It is conceded by most counselors that inner change and real personality transformation is very difficult at best. Therefore, it requires supernatural power working in a yielded vessel. This is something completely beyond secular psychology.
4. Counselors, just as counselees, need to be controlled by the Holy Spirit in the process. They need to be channels in God’s work since God appears to use people in this ministry. Those who can humbly take the place of channels will best possess the wisdom and discernment necessary in determining both needs and remedies. This would certainly disqualify unregenerate counselors. It would also seriously hamper believers who are not walking in the Spirit. Christian counselors may think it is necessary to know and push some supposed “magic button” in order to see change in others. Thus they find themselves frantically seeking some key to unlock the puzzle. The real key is a connection between counselees and the power of God to change them. That is as true in problems like discouragement as it is in sinful behavior. The counselor best views his or her own role as that of an instrument or “coach”, not some psychological magician.
5. The tools or “weapons of our warfare” are spiritual, not carnal (2 Corinthians 10:4). We trust in the power of believing prayer. As we beseech the Lord in fervent intercession, we believe it “avails much” (James 5:16). We also believe in the power of the Word of God, appropriately used, to touch hearts and consciences (Hebrews 4:12). This does not mean “clubbing people over the head with the Bible”, as some have suggested. It does not mean facing people with the Word and “commanding change.” Whether they change or not does not depend upon our command but upon the power of the Word in a heart touched by the Spirit. There should be some influence by either, or both, the counselor as a spiritual model and the congregation of believers as a loving and healing community. The passage in II Timothy 2:24-26 is helpful as a guide: “…be kind to all…with gentleness, correcting those who are in opposition, and perhaps God will grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil…”
6. Our model is the Wonderful Counselor, the Lord Jesus Christ Himself. It certainly is not some noted psychologist, especially an unregenerate one, and his human techniques. The Lord was, and is, compassionate, kind and willing to listen to those who come clamoring for help. Those who came to the Lord, according to Scripture, often were outcasts by society. They included the poor (who could pay him nothing), the handicapped and the unwanted. He was willing to be scorned for taking time with these people. He was not afraid of being disliked because he spoke the truth in love. He wept over many who rejected His words (Luke 19:41). On the other hand, He did not hesitate to warn people of the danger of eternal punishment (Matthew 25:46). One cannot think of a secular psychologist, or many Christian counselors, who use a different model, doing such a thing.
7. We admit our limitations. We can help only those who are willing to listen to God or receive His words through us as the Lord’s servants. No amount of time invested by us will overcome the lack of yieldedness to God and willingness to change according to His Word.
8. We should not fear being classified as “judgmental”, a favorite word of secular psychology, if what they mean is that we uphold the absolutes of God’s Word concerning behavior. We can rightly call others to accountability to the Creator’s standards of right and wrong. The words of Jesus, “Judge not, that you be not judged”, are far too broadly interpreted in some quarters. We are told to “judge with righteous judgment” (John 7:24). We are not to take the place of God or to compare ourselves to others in a way that is favorable to us, unfavorable to them. Other people are not the true standard. Jesus is. At times, discernment, which is most important, is confused with “judging” others. No one could hope to help others without some degree of godly discernment. Admonition, rebuke and even discipline, where needed, are commanded by God of His servants. Such verses as Colossians 1:28 (“admonishing every man”), Colossians 3:16 (“admonishing one another”), Romans 15:14 (“admonishing one another”), Titus 1:13 (“reprove severely”), II Timothy 4:2 (“reprove, rebuke”) are but a few that certainly call for corrective words that might be deemed “judging” by some.
There are some things that Biblical counselors should seek to avoid, it seems to us. These include the following:
1. Prolonged or repetitive counseling sessions, often for months or even years, are an evidence of failure, not success. Those who counsel for monetary fees, of course, profit from this. However, the Lord’s servants cannot afford to expend endless amounts of time on those showing limited or no objective evidence of progress. One of two things is true. Either the counselee is not heeding or applying what is being suggested, or the counselor is simply not being effective in what is being done. The counselee may feel better, as is often claimed, and even want to keep on talking endlessly about problems. Yet there is no fundamental change in the situation. This is evidence that the sessions should at least be put on hold, if not suspended entirely. There are many people who like to talk about there problems but do not wish to do what is needed to resolve them. They can devour the time and sympathies of others as much as they are allowed. This is not good for either party. This does not mean that we cease to care for them and pray for them, or that we have “written them off.” It means that we are not getting anywhere and more such sessions are not likely to help. A suspension might wake them up.
2. It is not helpful to allow them to blame God, or others, or even you, the counselor, for their troubles. Neither is it good to be a receptive listener to there complaints or grievances about others (Proverbs 11:13, 25:19; Matthew 18:15). Their problems probably did not begin with others. In any event, a successful solution or improvement can most likely come about through a change of attitude or constructive action on their part. Final responsibility for resolving problems rests with them, not with you. By the same token, we should not accept credit for improvement in their situation. Give God the glory for any real transformation of another person’s life. We are at best poor instruments for His Spirit. We can give credit to the counselee for listening and applying certain principles. Only a minority will do this in a conscientious manner. One of the major problems of counselees, is not being willing to take heed.
3. We are not morally neutral. Our standards are those of the Word of God, not those of humanism or secular psychology. We are willing to listen, as patiently as possible, to even the most outrageous things. However, we will not assume the burden of playing God. The counselees are responsible to God as their Creator and Savior, not to our human judgments. The Word must always be between us and them. However, when the time comes to “speak the truth in love” we should do so. We should not be silent about evidently wrong behavior or immorality where God is not silent. Truth makes men free, not just silence or acceptance of that behavior in the supposed interests of love. Our response to such acknowledgement is not that of the “non-directive” counselor who does not want to appear to be judgmental. We do not consider guilt about wrong behavior as being harmful. When you are not feeling guilty about something evidently wrong, you are nearing the possibility of more serious trouble. If the guilt is imaginary and misplaced, we ought to correct that thinking through the Word. Many sensitive people suffer from this.
In summary, let us say that there should be something distinctly different in comparing Biblical and secularly influenced principles. If this is not true, then why should you bother to do it? Just refer them to the professionals, as some would recommend. If there are distinctions, we ought to be clear in our own minds as to what they are. Then follow through with consistency. This chapter ought to alert us even more to the clear conflicts between the secular and humanistic approach on one hand, and Scriptural principles on the other. It means that we should also be alert to the dangers of syncretism, historically a deadly influence upon the Christian church. This malady is the device of fusing concepts from opposing systems into a new whole, to the detriment of the original system. It is designed to make something more popular or acceptable. It has been a major source in the introduction of paganism in many forms into the Christian faith. Therefore, read with caution the writing of self-proclaimed Christians who use the Worldly terminology of unbelievers or mask them with Christian labels, sprinkled with verses that are out of context.
RC Questions Lesson 3
Fundamental Principles of Biblical Counseling
1. How should Biblical counseling differ from secularly oriented counseling, in your opinion? If so, how do you explain the statements of Christian psychologists in CAPS and Steward Hiltner of Princeton University?
2. What excuses have you heard made on behalf of the behavior of some troubled people? Did you accept them and why?
3. What does a counselor really need as a believer to be effective in helping others?
4. There are at least three things we need to avoid in counseling. Why? Can you think of any other things?
Favorable Qualities For Biblical Counselors
Virtually any spiritual Christian ought to be able to give helpful advice when opportunity presents itself. By doing this, they not only help others, but lessen the demands on overworked gifted people. Not everyone needs a gifted or professional counselor for every problem situation, even if enough of them were available. Helping one another is one of the privileges of friendship. It is the calling of all believers. Scriptures such as Colossians 3:16 speak of teaching and admonishing one another in the context of the entire body. Moses was advised by Jethro to appoint people to handle lesser matters. The more difficult cases could then be brought to him. Among us however, there is no need for special appointment to function at this level.
The Apostle Paul asked the question, “Is it so that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren?” (I Corinthians 6:5). This introduces the idea that there should be more than one person in a body of believers able to settle conflicts or attend to more difficult questions. What qualities should they possess?
1. Evidently, they should have the confidence of other believers. This will be based upon factors as a godly walk, a well-managed household, a discreet tongue and a well-deserved reputation for being available and helpful. Such helpers will not be “busybodies” or meddlers (II Thessalonians 3:11, I Timothy 5:13), running about to intrude uninvited into other people’s affairs. They will not be giving unsolicited advice or inquiring into matters which are none of their affair. This is more harmful than helpful. Possible immorality or scandal, affecting the church, is a matter for intervention by the elders, whether it is invited or not. In general, it is better that you allow others to seek you out, rather than the reverse.
2. It is apparent that discernment is a major requirement for effective counseling. Spiritual discernment is the special ability, given by God, to see beyond the obvious and beneath the surface of things. It is also called being perceptive. Ordinary observers hear words, see appearances and accept things at face value. For example, most people readily accept the counselees’ explanation of what’s wrong and why. A discerning person, on the other hand, is able to evaluate situations in a way that cannot always be explained or proved. It could be that they sense things by spiritual intuition or by much experience. This applies to detecting lies or “cover-ups.” It may be that some people are simply deceived themselves. Believers who are quite spiritual in many ways can still lack discernment. They can be quite naïve. Perhaps it is because some always want to believe the best about others. Discernment is not something that can be taught in a class. Believers can improve their limited powers of discernment by making a diligent effort to lessen their naivety. You should carefully study and meditate upon the “wisdom books” of the Bible such as Proverbs. You can read a chapter of this every day. You can learn much by meditating upon the ways, words, and questions of the Lord Jesus, the wisest man who ever lived. Experience also is an excellent teacher, “but the tuition is high”, meaning it is a costly way to learn.
3. The ability to have a warm, sincere interest in people, even those who may not be entirely lovable or admirable, is most important. We call certain ones “people persons” because they are able to relate readily to others. This seems evident in the Lord Jesus whom the common people admired and “heard gladly.” Those who are inclined to be quite “private” and uncomfortable in discussing personal things, are not likely to be good at getting close to others in terms of trust and sharing. With effort we can, and should, do better at being honest with one another. Until we do learn this, we will not likely be able to function effectively in a counseling role.
4. Emotional self-control is essential if you are going to be of help. Problems can be worsened without this. Conflicts move toward resolution when we handle circumstances in a self-controlled manner. Anger is an example. There are many reasons why we become angry, even good ones. But Scripture says, “the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God.” The Proverbs are full of warnings about a quick temper (Proverbs 15:18, 22:24). Impatience is another example. God is “long suffering” toward us. How grateful we should be that He is. How badly do we reflect His character when we are not patient. The tendency to be moody or depressed can be turned into the joy of the Lord by a change in attitude or a fresh application of the Word. If the Lord does not bring joy into our lives, how can we help others enjoy this? The lack of self-discipline, which is a fruit of the Spirit-controlled life (Galatians 5:23), may be evident. Make your own list of negative and positive qualities.
5. Biblical counselors, almost by definition, must be saturated with the Word, in heart as well as mind. They are “rooted and grounded” in it. It is present on their tongues, as they speak to others, because it is written in their hearts. In counseling, we should refer frequently to the Word. Invite counselees to read the Scriptures, in context, and comment on their meaning. Do not just decorate your ideas with verses, or glibly quote them, or “beat people over the head” with them. Discuss the verse or passage in the context of the whole of Scripture. Invite personal application. Determine if there is real understanding, brought about by the Spirit. Has it sunk down in their ears, as Jesus said? Is the light of conviction or spiritual discernment beginning to dawn in their minds? It is not a matter of intellectual grasp of something that you seek, although that is important. You want to get beyond this to the point where they see the truth as it applies to their lives. This will usually take more than one conversation, but you need to be moving in that direction.
6. The question needs to be asked of the would-be counselor, “How effective have you been to date in helping others?” Of course, people may enjoy coming to you so that you can listen again and again to their recitation of unhappiness. They may tell you that they feel better after talking with you. But to what degree have they objectively overcome their difficulties of attitudes and actions? Is it that they want you to change someone else, or their own circumstances, as is often the case? Do they realize that God is not so much interested in changing our circumstances as He is in changing us? Sometimes counselors rush around, bubbling with enthusiasm, talking about how many people they are seeing. Yet the objective changes seem few and far between in these lives. If the counselor was successful, would more and more meetings be necessary while the problems persisted? But the counselees are enthusiastic, we may say, even though there is little evidence of change. That is their tendency. It is difficult to get a counselee to speak negatively about a psychologist or psychiatrist or self-help group, according to Zilbergeld. Enthusiasm about the practitioner of some system usually outweighs any objective evidence of his or her success. Others usually cannot duplicate their work. Often we are too enthusiastic about our methods. The wise and successful counselor will give glory to God where there is real transformation.
7. Counselors need to have a well-balanced life consisting of many other elements other than counseling. A steady diet of dealing with troubled people can lead one to think that virtually everyone is a troubled soul. At times the counselee’s very attitudes and character traits can “rub off” on you. That may be one reason why many psychologists and psychiatrists seem a little “weird” even to their own colleagues, as well as the general public. Many jokes abound over the habits of these “shrinks”, a short term for “head shrinker.” The suicide rate for these people is the highest among their fellow professionals in the “mental health” field. These professionals are also high on the scale for many other problems such as family breakdown and divorce. To keep a good perspective on life, to be spiritually healthy and joyful, it is important to have a good family life, recreational times and social interaction with those living more normal lives, without frequent ups and downs.
Psychology classes in college and professional training centers seem to abound with students who showed an interest for a surprising reason. They will confess, when asked, that they took the class or entered the profession out of a desire to better “understand themselves” or solve their own problems. This is probably not the best reason to take these classes. In fact, such students may become, and often are, even more confused at the end. A young friend of mine who aspired to the ministry was advised to take psychology at a nearby college in preparation for this calling. The only course available at the time was one in which the most disturbed cases were studied. When asked by the teacher, every student except my friend acknowledged that they themselves had similar problems as those whom they were studying. He was astounded, of course.
Those people who are still trying to work through their own problems, whatever they may be, are not the best people to be doing Biblical counseling, at that point in their lives. If, for example, a person has completely recovered from the sin of drunkenness through the power of God, then he or she would be an excellent choice to help those with similar problems. If you still have struggles in your own marriage, you would not be wise in undertaking to be a marriage counselor to others. To try to undertake to help others when you have not had a solid period of clear victory in an area is foolishness. An example of this is the oft-repeated instance of the temporarily successful drug abuser who is out helping others. In a short time he is back on drugs, a bad model for those he sought to help. Be sure you are victorious for an extended period of time before undertaking to help someone else with a similar problem. Be less eager to get involved in counseling until you are better aware of the demands of the calling and your own weakness. James 3:1 has an interesting warning: “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we shall incur a stricter judgment.” If you substitute the word “counselor” for the word “teacher”, you may better understand the importance of this statement.
All of this is not said for the purpose of discouraging those who might be qualified and interested in the field. It is designed to lend a touch of realism to what might seem a glamorous calling, which it is not. It is simply a warning as to what is involved. We need more believers who are able to accept this responsibility in the local church, at least at some level of participation. However, you need to think very clearly about what you are doing and why you are doing it. You certainly ought to have a basic set of principles on which you propose to operate, as we have already outlined. Your motivation for doing this is an important issue. Consider the Lord Jesus and His example of sacrificial self-giving. That is an excellent start. He did not go about helping people out of a desire to understand His own problems or to profit Himself. He was the One who loved and gave Himself, not just an allotment of time on a periodic basis.
RC Questions Lesson 4
Favorable Qualities for Biblical Counselors
1. What do you think you need personally to effectively give counsel to others in at least the most basic situations? Why?
2. What comment would you make about your own abilities in discerning what is wrong and what action is needed? What hinders your powers of discernment?
3. How would you evaluate your own past efforts to counsel or advise others? Why were they successful or unsuccessful?
4. Do you think that because you have had problems yourself, especially in certain areas, you will automatically be able to help others in these areas? If so, why? If not, why?
Diverse Situations Encountered In Counseling
No two counseling situations are exactly alike. They can be as different as people themselves. This makes counseling interesting and not predictable. Our fundamental approach should remain the same, grounded upon a firm grasp of our principles. However, we can make some modifications in the way the situation is handled. We reject the “salad bar” method, or eclectic approach, of using whatever seems to work, without regard to whether this agrees with Biblical principles. By not doing this you will avoid the common practice of chasing the latest fad in psychology, often called, “pop”, or popular psychology. The assumption that a newer idea is always a better one is wrong, especially in the field of human behavior.
Ask counselees to state, as succinctly as possible, why they came to seek your help, in case they do not come to the point themselves. This is called, in some quarters, “the presentation problem.” It may or may not be the most important problem, but it should not be ignored. What people think is the problem can be an important part of your evaluation.
Three questions can be useful in getting the situation out in the open for discussion. You can rephrase these questions in various ways, but the substance should remain the same.
1. Where are you now?
In other words, as they look at their situation, what is happening? What concerns them about it? How do they evaluate it? What other people are involved, if any? What is good or bad about it, as they see it? This can be the occasion when you probe deeper into whatever background is important to their understanding of the problem. When did all this begin? Was it ever right? What seemed to you to be the reasons? It is not necessary to go all the way back to the womb or to plumb their unconscious feelings, as some have suggested. Remember that what now is more important than all the supposed whys. You cannot undo the past.
2. Where do you want to be?
If the situation is not what they want it to be, what needs to take place, especially in terms of their handling of the situation? Remember that you as counselor may not be able to meet other involved people. You cannot personally change their circumstances for them. Where would the counselee like to be in their relationship with God, to their family members, or to others? Most people, when asked what they really want in life, will say, “To be happy.” But what will it take to make them happy? This is a great place for counselees to define what they seek in terms of walking with the Lord.
3. What can I do to help?
Have them state what they seek from you in advice or practical assistance. It helps them to think more clearly about why they came to you in the first place. Do they only want someone to listen while they talk and complain endlessly? Are they just collecting opinions, yours being one among many? Do they want sympathy or support in their ideas? Hopefully they came with the idea of listening, with a willingness to change.
We believe that the greatest issue to be searched out is that of a person’s relationship to God. It can be very useful to ask someone a very general question about their early religious experiences or church background. Most people you encounter will claim to be Christians in some sense. They may profess to have been saved or to have accepted Christ. You should take particular interest in their description of how and when their profession of faith took place. Often you will hear a story of a childhood experience, or of prayers to the Lord, as the basis of their assurance of salvation. Then you may ask, “What happened after that?” Did a change take place in their life, turning from a sinful lifestyle and harmful relationships? Was there a measure of continuation in this new lifestyle, or did they return to the same sinful life and habits? If this included the practice of immorality, use of drugs and alcohol, and other destructive habits, then you ought to consider having them turn to certain passages in the New Testament for consideration and possible application. Such verses may include 1 John 2:3-5; 3:4-10; Matthew 7:21-23. Ask them how they can be confident in their conversion experience if they have been practicing lawlessness rather than practicing righteousness. The Bible tells us that we should, “Test yourselves to see if you are in the faith. Examine yourselves.” (2 Corinthians 13:5). The warning of the possibility of deceiving yourself is repeated to us several times in the Scriptures (Ephesians 5:5,6; Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Corinthians 6:9,10).
Usually there is the objection that no one is perfect, often with some appeal to the experiences of David and Peter. Of course, this is true. But we are no talking about sinless perfection. We are discussing the practice of sin, especially such lawless acts as cited above. In I John we read that the children of God and the children of the Devil are obvious. In what way? By the way they live, or do not live, according to the Scriptures. Jesus said, “By their fruits you shall know them.”
All of this is not to say that we can infallibly determine whether someone is saved. We do not possess an advance copy of the Lamb’s Book of Life, containing all the names of the redeemed. All we can do is to tactfully get them to re-examine the reality of their profession of faith in Christ. This is a more loving act than to blindly accept every profession as a true one. How can one build a true Christian experience upon the foundation of an empty profession? How can one live a genuine Christian life without the power of the indwelling Spirit? This is a vital issue. It needs more consideration than it usually gets.
Those professing to be Christians, with at least some evidence of reality, can be questioned about the closeness of their fellowship with God. Are they active in their church? Do they regularly pray and read the scriptures? Do they walk in the light as followers of the Lord Jesus? These are important conditions for receiving God’s fullest blessings. Grace, which is the undeserved favor of God, is not a license to live as we please. Many of God’s blessings, including that of answered prayer, are distinctly conditional.
There are many types of counseling situations. Not all of them involve sinful behavior. For example, some people seek guidance in making important decisions. Some need hope and encouragement due to bereavement, abandonment’s, grievous disappointments, and tragedy. Romantic matters can be a crushing experience for some. Some may need technical or specialized help, which can obtained by making an appropriate referral. These general situations can be illustrated by the following categories, with some examples and guidelines for each:
I. SUPPORTIVE COUNSELING – To undergird and stabilize troubled people; to help them gain strength in order to deal effectively with severe trials.
A. Sample problems: Deaths; serious illness; break-ups of engagement or marriage; etc.
B. Counselor’s role: Reassurance, comfort, guidance, listening and helping them to lean on the Lord through prayer and the Word. An objective view of the situation, meaningful activity, and facing the facts are also helpful.
C. Dangers for the counselor: Over-dependency by the counselee on the counselor; prolonged, excessive grief.
II. CONFRONTING COUNSELING – Forcing a person to face and deal with sin or difficulty. This involves confession, restoration, and the development of good patterns, which will prevent similar problems in the future.
A. Sample problems: Immorality, or other scriptural violation. This may include poor attitudes, factionalism, unresolved grievances, unwillingness to work, and financial irresponsibility.
B. Counselor’s role: Face the counselee with the evidence of his/her sin to bring him/her to admission of same. Encourage confession, restitution, and responsible change. Stress God’s willingness to forgive and our need to do these towards others. Help them to grow spiritually through Christian fellowship, the Word, and prayer. Help them learn self-discipline and sound life patterns.
C. Dangers for the counselor: Dealing with counselees arrogantly and with a spirit of “one-upmanship”; rejecting them personally because of their actions and speaking in a self-righteous manner; not helping them specifically in changing their behavior where they desire to do so.
III. INFORMATIONAL COUNSELING – Assisting others to obtain the necessary facts in making decisions; showing them how to discern God’s will and how to arrive at the proper decisions; supplying necessary information or source materials to make necessary changes in actions; preparing for future changes.
A. Sample problems: Job information; premarital counseling; Bible questions and confusion on various courses of action.
B. Counselor’s role: To provide opportunity for full discussion; recommend suitable sources of information. Praise good attitudes and their genuine desire to do God’s will, if this is true. To make suggestions or ask questions to help them think through a course of action. Be alert to hidden issues.
C. Dangers for the Counselor: Over-dependency; imagining that the information will necessarily bring change; manipulating or dominating the counselee rather than helping them to make the necessary decisions; having an inflated view of our own expertise.
IV. PREVENTATIVE COUNSELING – To anticipate problems before they arise, or to prevent the worsening of existing problems.
A. Sample problems: Intense relationships between persons which may lead to sin or unwise marriages, or the polarizing of factions in a dispute; medical, marital, job, or church crises; major changes in life such as college, military service, or retirement.
B. Counselor’s role: To remain alert to potential problems and dangers, and to warn people of danger areas. To be tactful in discussing various aspects of the potential problem; do not pretend to be one who is all knowing; review alternative solutions.
C. Dangers for the Counselor: Waiting too long while problem becomes more serious; over-dramatizing the situation and making it seem worse than it may be.
V. SPIRITUAL COUNSELING – Leading people to find the solutions to life’s problems; dealing with meaning and purpose in life; helping them to learn the proper way to grow through walking with Christ.
A. Sample problems: Leading people to Christ for salvation; teaching people how to grow spiritually; dealing with lack of assurance, unbelief, emptiness, wrong doctrinal understanding, or other points of confusion about Biblical issues.
B. Counselor’s role: Encourage open expression of their problems, concerns, doubts; be honest and avoid superficiality; be willing to discuss, raise issues and confront; use the Scriptures and prayer; point out spiritual needs and teach the facts of the new birth, spiritual growth, or other needed truths.
C. Dangers for the Counselor: Generalizing with clichés like, “Just learn to trust the Lord”; failing to deal with the genuine concerns in a thorough manner; theological questions may tend to hide other problems; all problems may not be assigned automatically to the category of sin.
VI. REFERRAL COUNSELING – Use of specialized or more experienced sources for helping persons.
A. Sample problems: Those who need medical care or examination, legal advice, financial assistance, or similar problems. Those whose problems seem beyond your ability to assist, or for whom you may feel a dislike for any reason.
B. Counselor’s role: Be familiar with sources of specialized help and know how to contact them when necessary. Help the counselee to the see the value of referral and not to feel rejected; be tactful.
C. Dangers for the Counselor: Failing to refer when you do not have the particular ability or time to handle the problem; referring too quickly, or in a manner that implies rejection; failing to give the spiritual help you could have given; needlessly meddling in the affair after referral has been made.
VII. MARITAL COUNSELING – Marriage problems are very common, even among believers. Detailed consideration will be given in a later chapter, but here is a brief statement.
A. Sample problems: Threatened separation or divorce; arguments over debt and financial matters or the handling and discipline of the children; strife over involvement with in-laws; communication difficulties in the settling of disputes; dissatisfaction in the sexual relationship; emotional immaturity; unequal yoke between a believer and an unbeliever; role reversal or lack of knowledge of Biblical function in roles of husband and wife.
B. Counselor’s role: Thorough questioning, even in sensitive areas such as sexual relationships, and getting both sides of the story; determining the major items of conflict. Do both parties want the marriage to survive? Find the motivation for both persons to work on their problems in a serious way.
C. Dangers for the Counselor: Not penetrating to the real issues; proposing superficial measures which will not bring about fundamental change; not utilizing the spiritual measures which can help effect a change.
In determining the truth in any situation, we must accept the fact that some counselees lie, distort, or exaggerate matters. Therefore, it is most important to emphasize the need for complete honesty if you are going to be helpful. The counselees expect honesty from you. For the same reason they must be honest with you. Discernment as to what is true is needful for counselors.
RC Questions Lesson 5
Diverse Situations Encountered in Counseling
1. List the three suggested questions in seeking to find out what you need to know about a troubled person. Say what you expect or want to learn from each question.
2. What are the problems involved in trying to determine whether a person is a true believer, really saved?
3. Name the type (or types) of counseling which might be most difficult for you. Why is this so? What do you need to learn in order to overcome the difficulties?
4. Of the various “dangers for the counselor” what might be the most likely problems for you? Why?
Self Love Or Self Sacrifice
One major area of difference between Biblical counseling and secular-based counseling centers around what is called self. At the simplest level self is what we have in mind when we use the pronouns “I” or “me.” Another common word for self is ego. This gives rise to such terms as egocentric (self-centered), egotism (conceit, exaggerated sense of self-importance) and egoism (the doctrine that self-interest is a valid motive for all human actions).
In the New Testament the word psuche is translated as life or soul. It is the term from which we derive the word psyche. This in turn gives rise to the term psychology, the study of the behavioral characteristics of the individual. The soul or self is the seat of what we call personality, consisting of will, emotions and mind or reason. The soul is the center of self-awareness, the you which is a part (together with the spirit) of the inner, invisible person. The soul, the spirit and the body, then, make up the tri-unity of man’s being (I Thessalonians 5:23).
Secular psychology has identified self as its primary project for promotion or up building. It theorizes that lack of self-love or low self-esteem is the major cause of almost every kind of maladjustment, including everything from criminality to sadness. In the minds of some, it is the national “illness” of this country.
This diagnosis does not lack for challenges. David Myers, a teacher of psychology at Hope College in Michigan, has written in his book The Inflated Self that pride and self-serving bias far exceed any evidence of low self-esteem. A number of studies support this. A college board asked high school seniors to compare themselves with others of their own age. In leadership ability, 70% rated themselves above average and only 2% scored themselves as below average. Of 829,000 students, zero percent rated themselves below average and 25% saw themselves in the top one percent! Other studies demonstrated that people regularly overestimate the accuracy of their beliefs or judgments, accept more responsibility for success than failure and overestimate how desirably they would act in a given situation. There is no clear scientific evidence to demonstrate that low self-esteem is as prevalent as claimed by most psychologists or counselors. However, they are doing an excellent job of convincing the public that it is true nevertheless.
The idea that lack of self-love is a major problem or causative factor for poor behavior includes four major theorists. These are Erich Fromm, Rollo May, Carl Rogers and Abraham Maslow, according to Paul Vitz in “Psychology of Religion, the Cult of Self-Worship.” Vitz states that Ludwig Feurbach, an influential enemy of Christianity laid the groundwork for later humanistic concepts of self. The liberal Protestant preacher Harry Emerson Fosdick and Norman Vincent Peale became popularizers of these self-theories before the present group came along. It has been called “the perfect consumer philosophy, ideally suited for those with money and leisure,” thus readily accepted by millions.
No modern writer or speaker has done more for this theory than T.V. personality Robert Schuller, pastor of the famed Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California, which has regularly packed in audiences of 10,000 each Sunday at his church. In his book Self-Esteem, the New Reformation (certainly a grandiose title), he lets out all the restraints in portraying the evils of low self-esteem. He says, “Sin is any act or thought that robs myself or any other human being of his or her self-esteem. And what is hell? It is the loss of pride that naturally follows separation from God—the ultimate and unfailing source of self-respect…A person is in hell when he has lost his self-esteem.”
John H. Armstrong, writing on “Must I Love Myself”, says: “According to the spirit of our age, it is no longer man’s failure to glorify God but rather his failure to esteem himself that is his problem.” Armstrong examined the pivotal text (Luke 20:25-27) so often used to justify Biblically this idea. This includes the phrase “love you neighbor as yourself.” Proponents of this view argue that a person cannot love someone else before first learning to love himself. Of course, neither the Lord Jesus nor any other Biblical writer ever commanded us to learn to love self. Rather we were commanded to love God first and then love our neighbor. Armstrong argues that to take the verse in Luke 20 and argue that it teaches “love yourself” is grammatically impossible (no command is there to love self), linguistically impossible (agapao means sacrificial love, and it is meaningless to sacrifice oneself to serve oneself) and theologically impossible (directing service to self is a sin, not a virtue).
According to Martin and Deidre Bobgan, the vigorous advocacy of self-love has spread like a cancer through the church through well-known Christian communicators. They include James Dobson, Bruce Narramore, Robert Schuller, Charles Swindoll, Norman Wright, Josh McDowell and many others. This is astonishing when one reads the words of earlier advocates like Fromm. He wrote, “Modern culture is pervaded by a taboo on selfishness. We are taught that to be selfish is sinful and to love others is virtuous.” The Bobgan’s commented that Fromm blamed theologians such as Luther and Calvin for emphasizing love of others at the expense of loving self. He did not have the slightest understanding of the Bible, Luther or Calvin. “He saw the God of the Bible as a cruel dictator who drove Cain to murder Abel.” To him, God was evil and Cain a helpless victim. Think of such an ungodly root for the self-love idea, which Fromm frankly equated with selfishness.
Don Matzat in Christ Esteem has quite clearly defined the issues for those who wish to counsel from a Biblical perspective. “Modern humanism considers man himself to be the measure of all things, standing against bringing him to the knowledge of sin. We are being taught to feel good about ourselves”, a most agreeable thought to modern man. The latter is more interested in personal fulfillment than in forgiveness for sins and salvation. Bruce Narramore is quite frank about how to appeal to modern churchgoers. He says, “Many individual Christians look to psychology for new insights that will relieve personal discomfort or despair. They hope that psychology will provide answers to questions not specifically addressed in Christianity.” Please note this last phrase. The Lord Jesus, or God’s Word, is not adequate to meet the issue of despair, according to this thinking. You must have psychology to do this.
The issue before us is “What does the Bible teach?”, not “What does Psychology teach?” Does the Bible teach that we should focus upon self in order to improve our self-image? Of course not. To be absorbed in self rather than upon God or the needs of others is harmful, not helpful; nor is it helpful to think about self as bad. Continuing to be occupied with self at all is not good. Introspection, which is the practice of constantly examining your own thoughts and feelings especially in some critical way, is not recommended for a healthy outlook. Self-pity is worse. Getting your mind off yourself and on to something or someone else, in a constructive way, is what is helpful. Biblically guided self-examination is recommended. This enables us to deal with the sins of bitterness and an unforgiving spirit in the light of scripture. See Matthew 18:21-35 on the subject of forgiving others, for example.
This brings us to what the Bible really teaches about dealing with self, or the self’s life mode of thinking. If we begin properly with the example of Jesus Christ, then we see very plainly that He lived in a manner completely opposite of that recommended by the “love yourself” crowd. He loved the Father and He loved others. He gave Himself for others. He suffered and died for others. His life was the perfect model of sacrificial love, not self-love. He did not come to be served but to serve. He lived to please God not to please Himself. Even on the Cross, in dreadful pain, His thoughts were for others, not self. He prayed for His persecutors and murderers, “Father forgive them.” It seemed that He seldom gave a thought to His own needs, nor was He worried about what others were thinking about Him. He was the incarnation of unselfishness and others-directed living, rather than self-centeredness. Who could improve on the example of the Perfect Man?
The teaching of the Lord on self is quite clear on this point and quite at variance with any idea of self-love. In Luke 9:23-24 He said, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me, for whoever wishes to save his life shall lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake is the one who will save it.” Life here is the same word upon which we have already commented, psuche. It is the soul, the personality (the will, emotions and mind), or what we call “I.” When the Lord says, “If anyone wishes to come after Me”, He is including everyone who would claim to be a true believer. When He says, “deny himself and take up his cross daily”, He states the condition. To deny self is not to deny our existence, our humanity, our personality or any like idea. He is talking about putting our own interests aside in order to follow Him. When He says, “take up your cross daily”, He is talking about death (the meaning of the Cross) to what we want in order to do what God wants. When He says “daily” he means that it is something that is not done once for all or is involved only in our conversion experience. If you want to save your life (get the most out of it for yourself), you will lose it. If you want to lose your life (give it up) for Jesus’ sake to serve His interests, you will gain it, in the sense of eternal reward and making your life count.
In John 12:23-25, the Lord makes even more clear the idea of self-sacrifice, not self-love. In verse 23, He speaks of His impending death for the sins of the world (“the hour has come”). He gives a principle from agriculture. “Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it remains by itself alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” Unless the wheat grain gives up its independent life, then it will not provide multiplied life or be fruitful. Of course, this would connect with His own self-sacrifice on the Cross. But it is also applied to the lives of His followers, as we see in the next verse. “He who loves his life loses it, but he who hates (loves less) his life in this world shall keep it to life eternal.” In other words, unless you are willing to sacrifice your life for Christ in this world in order to make it count eternally, you will lose it. The Lord then follows this with a reminder on serving Him. “If anyone serves Me, let him follow Me, and where I am, there will My servant be also.” Therefore, to serve Jesus means to follow Him and to emulate His example. This includes the life of sacrificing self, taking up of our cross daily. Now, how could anyone interpret this to mean something like, “raise your self-esteem”?
Let us consider some other verses in this same vein:
Always carrying about in the body the dying of Jesus, that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our body; for we who live are constantly being delivered over to death for Jesus’ sake that the life of Jesus may be manifested in our mortal flesh.
Have this attitude in yourself which was also in Christ Jesus who…emptied Himself…He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
If anyone comes to Me and does not hate [love less] his own father and mother and wife and children and sisters, yes, and even his own life [psuche], he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be my disciple.
All of these verses teach a life of self-sacrifice for Jesus’ sake, not a life of loving self and seeking self-fulfillment.
We will deal in the next chapter with the principle of exchanging our self-life for the life of Jesus flowing through us as channels. However this chapter should turn us away from seeking the answers to our difficulties, meaninglessness, lack of proper identity and general unhappiness by means of the secular route—seeking greater self-esteem. Rather, it will show us the answer is in Christ. It will be our growing esteem of Him, not self, that will mark the right path. We will find our portion, power and satisfaction in letting Him live His life in us, not in living for ourselves or thinking about ourselves.
RC Questions Lesson 6
Self-Love or Self-Sacrifice
1. What can you say, for or against, the concept of “low self-esteem” (self-love) as a counseling problem? Consider either what you have read or experienced?
2. From the Bible, write down your understanding of what is the soul or self. What does the Lord Jesus teach about self? Use Scripture. What did He mean, in your opinion?
3. Contrast these Scriptures with those of Robert Schuller, or Erich Fromm. How could you explain the support of the self-esteem doctrine by Christian spokesmen like Dobson, Narramore, Swindoll, Wright and McDowell?
4. In what way do such Scriptures as 2 Corinthians 4:10-12, Philippians 2:5-8 and Luke 14:26-27 help our understanding on the subject?
The Exchanged Life
Any book on Christian counseling should address the issue of how to enjoy a life of satisfaction, inner strength and fellowship with God. Materialistic acquisitions, pleasure-seeking and a concentration upon self are not leading people where they need to go. What people need is communication with God and a life characterized by joy, love, peace and related blessings. This is exactly what is offered by the Lord Jesus to those who follow Him and His teachings. Jesus said, “I have come that they might have life and might have it more abundantly (John 10:10). Abundant life is rich and overflowing. It pertains to the present, not just the future.
Of course, this life begins when Jesus becomes Lord and Savior of those who believe the gospel message, centered in Him. But beginning will not insure the enjoyment of this life. Many believers do not experience this promised life after they profess faith in Christ. Why not? There are several possible reasons. They may be discouraged by past failure. They say, “I have tried all this before and it has not worked.” But God has not failed and His promises are still true when claimed by faith. Some of these people may not be saved, despite some earlier prayer to God. They say, “I asked Jesus into my heart.” Many will be stunned when they face the Lord after death and hear from Him, “I never knew you” (Matthew 7:22-23). They may remain content with a low level of spiritual living, despite being a professing Christian. Perhaps no one has shown them how to have an abundant life in Christ. Your counseling objective should be to help them understand now.
There are some initial steps or attitudes that are important. Make sure the counselee makes a start by grappling with these issues. Use this paper as a study guide.
1. Do they thirst, or deeply desire a life of close fellowship with God? (Matthew 5:6). If shallow or mediocre lives are sufficient for these people, they the rivers of living water will never flow out of them (John 7:38).
2. Do they recognize that spiritual life and vitality come from fellowship with a Person? (I John 5:12). Daily awareness and yieldedness to that Person is necessary for Him to be revealed in believers (II Corinthians 4:10). You cannot have abundant life without closeness to the Lord Jesus.
3. Believers need to appropriate the strength and sufficiency of Christ into their inner beings if they are to live unto His glory (Ephesians 3:16). They must daily draw nourishment from the True Vine in order to bear fruit (John 15:4). It has been said, “We often stop at admiration when we need to go on to appropriation.” Blessings and promises must be claimed and God’s conditions met (John 15:5-7).
4. Believers should present daily their lives to God for His holy purposes, not their selfish purposes (Romans 6:13, 12:2). If we make ourselves available to God then we are consecrated to Him.
5. Finally, they need to walk (live and act) as those who belong to God (I Corinthians 6:19-20). When people walk in love (Ephesians 5:2), in truth (II John 4), by faith, not sight (II Corinthians 5:7), then they walk according to the Spirit (Galatians 5:16).
Another important step in enjoying the abundant life is to saturate yourself with the truths of Romans Chapter 6. This is a good passage to assign for intensive study. It lays out the essential steps whereby believers “having been freed from sin (its power) and enslaved to God” may derive the “benefit, resulting in sanctification” (Romans 6:22). The normal Christian experience should be that “sin shall not be master over you” (Romans 6:14). “Having been freed from sin, you become slaves of righteousness” (Romans 6:18). How can such blessings come to any believer? The answer is to be understood by a few key words in Romans Chapter Six:
1. KNOW that the old self was crucified with Him, that our body of sin might be done away (made powerless), that we should no longer be slaves to sin (Romans 6:6). This scripture teaches that when the Lord Jesus died for us on the cross, He did more than pay for the penalty of sin. He also broke the power of sin over those who have become united with Him (Romans 6:5). He defeated sin and death, so now His people are able to overcome the power of sin in daily living because we are no longer “slaves to sin.” As far as sin is concerned, the Lord Jesus is the “double cure”, saving us both from its penalty (death) and its power. Sadly, most believers seem to be totally ignorant of this fact. When a believer stops thinking that he sins because he “can’t help it” and realizes he is no longer weak and powerless when dealing with sin, then he can experience victory. However, he must know the basis of this victory. It is that Christ once and for all broke the power of sin over us. We may still be living in a body of weakness and will surely be tempted, but through our union with Him, we can have the benefit of His victory by claiming it daily.
2. “CONSIDER yourselves (or reckon yourselves) to be dead to sin, but alive to God in Christ Jesus” (Romans 6:11). This enables us to enjoy daily victory over sin by an attitude of mind that brings Christ’s victory into our personal experience. The fact of being “freed from sin” must be translated into daily experience by daily dependence and reliance upon it. Scripture truths need to be brought to bear upon the way we live. We must first learn about the varied aspects of God’s provision for living a “saved life.” Then we must claim these truths for ourselves and put them into practice by faith. People are often more inclined to trust past experience and human observation to tell them what is true. We are on much safer ground by believing and obeying God’s Word. Knowing that He is One who cannot lie, we do not need to let sin reign in our mortal bodies that we should obey its lust (Romans 6:12). We should consider ourselves each day to be dead to sin and its power.
3. “PRESENT yourselves to God as those alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:13). This is the next important step in having daily victory. This makes clear that there is a continuing daily necessity to present our bodies to God for His control and use. We must become available to God each day and not rely upon some past act of dedication. Romans 12:1 states, “Present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual (or reasonable) service of worship.” The Lord owns us. We are not our own. We have been “bought with a price” (I Corinthians 6:20). That price is “the precious blood of Christ” (I Peter 1:18-19). Ownership must be translated daily into practical, dedicated and totally available control of the Spirit of God.
4. “PUT TO DEATH (mortify) the deeds of the body by the Spirit” (Romans 8:13). The victory Christ has won, and on which we must depend, does not mean that we are free from temptation, spiritual warfare and actively dealing with sin by the enabling of the Spirit. We must deal with the “old self” and put on the “new self” (Ephesians 4:22-25). We must lay aside falsehood, unrighteous anger, wrath, malice, slander, abusive speech and lying (Colossians 3:8-14). We must “put on the new self” who is being renewed. This will include compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. When by the Spirit we put to death the deeds of the body we manifest the life of God. This daily warfare is not intended to be some futile struggling of fleshly determination. Victory is to be enabled by walking “according to the Spirit”, not walking “according to the flesh” (Romans 8:4). In this warfare we need spiritual weapons such as prayer, faith, and the Word, taking up “the full armor of God” (Ephesians 6:11-17). Spiritual victory comes out of daily warfare when we claim the promises and enablement of God.
One final element in living a truly redeemed and transformed life is the importance of the cross in the believer’s life. In stating terms for His followers, the Lord Jesus said, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me” (Luke 9:23). Here is something that needs to be done if you want to become a follower of Jesus. Most of us might wish to avoid this or “explain it away” so that we do not need to face the issue. The cross was the instrument of death, as anyone in the Roman world knew. It is something that needs to be taken up daily, according to this verse. The parallel expression is used just before, saying, “let him deny himself.” In verse 24, the Lord speaks of being willing to “lose his life for My sake.” The meaning of the believer’s cross then is to yield or commit your life, or soul, daily to death to its own wishes in order to do the will of God. To lose your life (soul, psyche or self) is to surrender it to the Lord in order that you might truly save it with a consequent eternal benefit. H.G. Bosch has written this: “To participate in the life of Christ, one must first be identified with Him in His death—continual dying of the self-life, the willful, sinful inclinations, must be a daily experience.” Such a person can truly take his stand with the Apostle Paul’s stirring declaration in Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ; nevertheless I live. Yet it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Himself up for me.” The picture presented in this verse is of one who allows Christ to live in him in a controlling way while he is yet here “in the flesh.” It is “no longer I” (the self life) controlling but Christ. We are not called to lose our personality or individuality or to be non-persons. We are valuable to God because He has chosen to count us as valuable in His sight. We are called to crucify daily “selfism” and its occupation with “me.” We surrender the assertion or defense of our will, our rights, our personal desires to the will of the Lord.
The Lord Jesus exemplified this kind of life during His own pilgrimage here. He said, “Not My will but Thine be done.” This surrender led Him to the cross for the sake of others, according to the will of God. There can be no following of Jesus without taking the same path He took. Life, victory and the unleashing of power come by way of the cross, not by bypassing it. Fruitfulness depends upon it. “Truly, truly I say to you, unless a corn of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains by itself alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit” (John 12:24). This statement precedes a repetition of teaching about losing your life—in this world—in order to keep it eternally.
These major areas of Biblical teaching point the way to abundant, fruitful, and effective living. It is the way the Scripture prescribes, not the way of “popular Christianity.” A truly Christian counselor, therefore, should familiarize himself with these truths. Indeed, he or she must experience them to some degree in order to clearly teach these truths to others. To do otherwise is hypocritical. Few indeed are the counselors who lead those who come for help by these means. May the Lord help you be one of those few.
RC Questions Lesson 7
The Exchanged Life
1. What, in your experience or observation, has been the underlying spiritual cause of a troubled and unhappy life with some? What is needed?
2. Of the five initial steps or attitudes needed for a life of close fellowship with God, what in your experience has been the greatest need or needs?
3. Review the major principles of Romans 6 (plus 8:13) for a victorious or overcoming life. List any that you either do not understand or have had difficulty in applying (acting upon). What is the difficulty?
4. Why is taking up the cross daily important to victorious life? What does it mean to you?
Recognizing Root Causes And Symptoms
The omniscience of the Lord, together with His wisdom, enables the Great Physician of our souls unfailingly to diagnose the condition of the human heart. From the heart “flow the issues (springs) of life” (Proverbs 4:22). God searches and tries our hearts, referring to our inner being. He detects what would be missed by the superficial observer. He knows that our hearts are deceitful and wicked (Jeremiah 17:9). God can never be deceived. Unfortunately, human counselors can be mistaken in their analysis of people. We need every bit of help the Holy Spirit can give us. We need keen discernment as we listen to people. We easily can see the outward signs or symptoms. We may miss the root causes of problems. One major cause is that something may be lacking in their relationship to the Lord.
There are certain major things to keep in mind as you begin a counseling session. By doing so, you will have a better chance of determining root causes.
Things To Do
A. You need to listen carefully in order to determine the facts and thus properly understand a situation. Probe to find out the less obvious factors.
B. Help them to understand not only where they are but where they are heading. Your questions can and should clarify any muddled thinking on their part. Are they seeing things correctly? Is the way they are handling the situation beneficial?
C. Determine if they are willing to make changes. Often counselees are seeking your help in changing someone else or to change their circumstances. This most likely is beyond your powers. The point is, are they willing to make changes that might help the situation.
Things Not To Do
A. Do not press advice on the unwilling or unteachable. This is a waste of your time. You can pray that the time will come when they will be willing, with God’s help.
B. Do not assume their responsibilities or make their decisions.
C. Do not be a complaint department for charges or grievances involving third parties, or gossip or slander. (Proverbs 11:13, 25:8)
D. Be careful to pay attention to these persons:
1. Those who want help on their own terms. You should not be a party to this attempted manipulation.
2. Those who say they want to be accepted for themselves, but in reality are seeking acceptance of irresponsible behavior. God loves the sinner, but He certainly does not love their sins, which only harms them.
3. Those who want to talk endlessly about themselves or their problems, but who are not making a serious effort to act on counsel given. Talk without commitment to change should not be continued.
4. Those who make commitments but fail to act as agreed. This includes those who are consistently late for appointments or who cancel. Flimsy excuses for these incidents should be unacceptable.
5. Those who repeatedly use the vocabulary of evasion. Phrases such as: “I can’t”, “you don’t understand”, “that’s too difficult” or “that’s just the way I am” are an indication that they are not seriously willing to make an effort.
How You Can Help
A. Give verbal or practical assistance according to God’s Word. This includes encouragement, guidance, arrangements for help, correction of wrong thinking and suggestions for reading, listening and study.
B. Assistance, structure, follow up or accountability (under God’s direction) are vital to successful change. Without this, it is more difficult for those with problems to become overcomers.
C. When reminding them of God’s Word, let them read the verses in context and tell you what they mean.
D. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Both are necessary.
Your Goals As You Begin Counseling
A. Determine why they are coming to you. Are they seeking counsel, sympathy or just support for their own predetermined course of action? Have they consulted others? If so, what was the advice and did they follow it?
B. Establish personal rapport with the counselee. Win their trust by such things as warmth, sincerity, careful listening, compassion, patience and wise words. Use their names when speaking personally. Do not try to win them by compromising your principles or acting in some hypocritical manner. Remember that your eyes, mouth, facial expressions and body language will be noted.
C. Be true to God’s Word and your principles. The truth may hurt, however unintentional. You should not expect or seek to be popular with everyone. Are you pleasing God?
D. Verify your facts. Deuteronomy 19:15 says, “On the evidence of two or three witnesses a matter shall be confirmed.” Do not make a decision after listening to only one side (Proverbs 18:17). Do nothing in a spirit of partiality (